Cold hands, warm shart.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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