I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
