new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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