My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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