Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
