omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
