Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
