I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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