Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
