I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
