I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize