Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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