When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
