Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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