Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am spending my child support on dildos
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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