I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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