i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
