he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
