Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
