Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
