I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
