I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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