apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
