Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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