Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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