I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
