I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You are the jesus of drinking
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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