so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize