I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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