Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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