On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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