Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
