mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
