Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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