Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize