So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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