Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize