I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
