Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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