Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
