why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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