Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
