I don't remember. Are we still dating?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
