K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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