If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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