Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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