I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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