9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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