doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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