Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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