You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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