She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
