your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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