I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
