I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
