Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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