Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
