real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
