I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
