Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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